Lincoln has come to a snow-ice-and-freezing-temperatures-related standstill. (If you're a non-Brit let me explain - cold weather is a Big Deal and Britain just collapses into chaos at the hint of a snowflake). College closed, schools closed, phone networks down, shops shut, cars crashed all over the place. It's so slippy that we can't make it far down the road without landing on our asses so we're just holed up inside for now.

This post and its comments at Mental Nurse (prob the best MH-related blog i know) made me giggle. Me and Catch22 friends have quite a selection of these parental stereotypes (and quite a selection of MH issues to match of course).

While on this subject i've read that 1 in 6 young people (16-25-yr-olds) are not in work or education. And 1 in 10 of young people are both not in work/education and have drug/alcohol problems. How depressing.
The first-hand impact of the recession is rather close to home for me. There just isn't any work. None of my friends are in full-time work, everyone's skint, and almost everyone seems to be showing signs of MH issues. Friends with the higher level of MH issues are frightened because GPs are handing out psych meds (including benzos?!?!) like sweets and counselling waiting lists are long (and let's not even start on therapy waiting lists...) so no-one knows how to cope. Over xmas alone i've had FOUR of my friends phone/text me because they're suicidal.
One thing that pisses me off about my MH professionals is they don't believe me. They think my attitude towards the recession is my depresison making me overly negative and say i'm 'catastrophising'. Uh, no. It really invalidates how worried i am when they say things like that.

Talking of invalidating MH professionals - i'm seeing my CPN on thursday. I've really really got to find a way to make use of her presence. What's annoying is i still don't know what use she could possibly be to me. And it's particularly annoying that i have her when so many of my friends could really do with something like a CPN.

I spent the first 10 minutes of 2010 on the roof of the Missoni Hotel with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a really really bad idea (a cigar) in the other, watching the fireworks. I was then accosted by the General Manager, who was pissed and told me how much she loved me and would miss me before being helped off me by the Night Team.


Since this event, the weather has deteriorated and I'm left with no customers, so a lot of free time. This has given me some free time to consider the following;

1. Cutesy Anything on Women over the age of 12.
Recently i have noticed that every indie kid is wearing jumpers/t-shirts/necklaces with twee little animals on them. Hedgehogs, horses, mice, owls. Whatever. They're everywhere, usually rendered in acrylic and stuck on a chain. It's a bit annoying and makes people look like they're 5.
No, you can't have a pony/owl/shrew, now grow up and stop wearing them around your neck instead.

2. Leggings.
I know this isn't a new thing, but I was really hoping this would have gone away by now. Still I have to walk behind students on their way to Starbucks to have another Caramel Latte which will cause their arses to expand even further and their silver American Apparel leggings to groan with the strain. I know I'm not tiny, but the difference is that 1. I know that Skimmed milk doth not a calorie free drink make and 2. I don't wear FRICKING leggings, and never will.
Can someone issue a memo to everyone who shops in TopShop that leggings are similar but NOT EQUAL to trousers, and some form of behind coverage is indeed still necessary.

3. Christmas and post Christmas TV has been shit.
Whatever you say, Doctor Who is utter bollocks, and it's not good in an ironic way either.

4. Men see weight very differently to women.
Bobbert: I've officially lost 13KG since being in the UK
Frances: Awesome!
Bobbert: No! It's bad, I used to be ripped!
Frances: Bobbert, for the remainder of your UK residency I advise you not to use the adjective 'ripped' as it will make you sound like Slyvester Stallone, a 70s Gay Porn star or Arnie. Neither of which is wise. Say you were built.
Bobber: Ok, but look *procedes to show me VERY VERY indecent photos of being 'ripped' - and he was actually, pretty impressively.*
Frances: wow. WIsh I could lose 13 KG
Bobbert: FROM WHERE??
Frances: Mainly my arse, or my arms.
Bobbert: you crazy.
Frances: ok...we're back onto things you can't say whilst living here...

5. My Wardrobe
I need to start operating a one in, one out door policy. It's getting a bit daft.

6. A bit of bad weather causes people to behave like spanners
Seriously, one more facebook or LJ post about the snow/that it is cold etc will result in me shouting at you. WE KNOW IT IS COLD. I don't want to hear any more about it, if you can't get your head around it and live in fucking SCOTLAND, you shouldn't live in the Northern Hemisphere.

7. Shoes quell rage.
My Louboutins arrived today. I immediately forgot my woes, my cancelled Docs appointment and the snow. I thought of nothing but red soles, and wondered how 7 inch heels could feel so comfortable. Ah, confirmation that I am indeed female.

Hmm well hmm.

I've noticed i've been off LJ a lot recently. It's odd for me, considering i've been so hooked on it for so many years. But i do think it's a good thing - being off LJ means i'm being sociable, i'm busy, and life is kinda alright (considering that most of my LJ seems to consist of me stewing over some MH-related shit).

I have money again. My ESA-during-the-appeal payments have started up and i've got a month's backpayment too. Relieved. One thing i don't like about 'adulthood' though is almost as soon as you've got excited about seeing money in your account is that you realise that a large chunk of your money is going straight out again for really dull unrewarding things. Today i've got started on those - paying off debts, several weeks rent, lightbulbs, boring groceries. It's nice when you're young and your hard-earned money goes 100% on exactly what you want. But such is life.

Relationship-related things are kindof calm and not agonising at the moment. I really hope this is me and the people involved slowly coming to terms with stuff and moving in the right direction.

I've got a cold and it's given me an enormous appetite. I'm just munching constantly. The past couple of weeks i've eaten very reasonably due to excess of food and pressure of loved ones and i've felt SO much better for it, so i'm going to try keep it up.

No New Years resolutions for me. Partly because my life is just a string of resolutions and continuous attempts at self-improvement, and also because i don't think i've ever kept a resolution.
Next week i'm starting voluntary work - feeding the homeless. I'm hoping this is a small step in the right direction. I'm planning on slowly introducing more and more little bits to my life until it resembles something reasonably productive (within the bounds of ridiculus hypersomnia that is).

I'm off my anti-psychotics and now on the lowest dose of the anti-depressants which i can come off anytime now. I'm a lot more emotional now (but then that's unsurprising considering my anti-psychs were primarily for mood-stabilising), but other than that i've not noticed any difference to my mental health. Between sleeps i'm less dozy, my horrible hot flushes have stopped (which is fabulous), and i'm less faint - so in general i'm feeling better physically for coming off. So i guess all in all the withdrawal has been a success. However i'm dissapointed that i'm not sleeping any less, and i wonder what my psychiatrist will look into next. I'm very concerned that if i do have a sleep disorder or ME any investigations won't be bothered with and i'll get the usual "psychosomatic"/"it's cos you don't eat..."/"it's because you're bored..."/"it's because you have depression..." excuses for the problem (words cannot describe how annoying and frightening this is).

Home tomorrow :)

I've just finished reading The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery. It's an odd book in that nothing really happens in the story, yet you still stay captivated by it all thesame. It's translated from French and The Guardian describes it as "essentially a crash course in philosophy interwoven with a platonic love story" which is a fair description. I liked it, but find this curious because it's not the kindof thing i go for - it's quite pretentious, completely obsessed with classism (but maybe that's cos its characters are mainly Paris' bourgeoisie), it throws the term "anorexic" around lightly (as though referring to something cultural, like a style or look, as opposed to a deadly psychiatric illness..), and nothing actually happens. If i'm honest, part of the reason i was drawn to the book was its weird title and its cover (i love illustrated book covers - i'm in aesthetic bliss if i walk into a Waterstones).

Well, christmas.

Christmas is so very good at being lovely for some, but such a horrible time for others. I guess the pressure for you to enjoy yourself and spend time with family really highlights if you don't have the ability to do these things. It's cruelly double-sided. I phoned home today to speak to the 4 left there. It's not right that teenagers should be alone for christmas day. They've found it tough - lots of tears and arguments, and one had her boyfriend visit specifically to dump her. Phoned best-friend-at-home who's in his little flat alone today. He sounded bored, and unsurprisingly rather sad.   
I feel very lucky really.

I find Christmas particularly odd this year. It's been odd the past few years because i've wanted so much (my mum, love, an end to my mental turmoil, etc) but cannot receive those, but then can be lavished with material gifts. And this year it's similar, but i'm lacking materially/financially a little this time. A few days ago i was digging into my savings to buy simple groceries like Asda Value baked beans ... and then today i'm just swimming in luxurious food, sipping pink champagne, and have a massive pile of presents. When i return to Lincoln the only cash i will have with me will be christmas money from my aunts, which i'm sure they imagine me buying something nice with, like some new shoes, but that will have to go straight out for the £26 rent i owe and stocking up on food, toilet roll, etc. It's a strange parallel - here lavishing in middleclass excess, and then going home to my financial self-sufficiency (if you can call benefit-scrounging that...but what i mean is financial independence from my family) where my housemates are so skint that the newsagent took pity on them and gave them some groceries for free.
And then it makes me think that lots of things about christmas and our society as a whole... they're just all wrong somehow.

This place is heavy with memories and old emotions. It's quite stifling actually. It feels like i'm suffocating.
I'm thinking about getting rid of a lot of my belongings. Empty my room so much that it's blank and unrecognisable. A lot of my new friends are poor so they have very little in the way of material possessions, and they sell whatever they can (mainly to buy drugs, but nvmd), and it's made me question whether i really need a lot of my stuff.

I am incredibly tired and physically depressed. I expect it's mainly due to my mental state. It's quite annoying.

I feel horrible feeling homesick for Lincoln and wanting to get home asap. I know Emmy is somewhat offended by my suggestion that here isn't home for me anymore. I should want to spend time with my family, and i do, but it's hard. The people round here too - it must be a middleclass thing - being wrapped up in trivial stuff, not talking about anything important. It makes you feel more alienated in a way. And it's not like my family is that bad in that way either - not that wrapped up in bullshit - so i should be glad. I guess it's a bit of a backward culture-shock because i'm back in this environment again, after spending time around people who have nothing, and address life in a whole different way.
I don't even know if i'm making sense. Ah well.